Here We Go Again...Keep your Eye on the Prize.

So here's the deal... my firefighter/engineer husband is preparing for his Captain's Promotional Exam.

Before I get started let me tell you one of the biggest things I love to hate about my husband....his drive and his focus when he's striving to achieve something consumes him.

So this promotional exam is huge, not only for my hubby but for our entire family. This would be a ginormous accomplishment for him, to be promoted to Captain after only 6 years of service..That's Like Huge! Here's the thing, my husband has to at all time strive to be the best. At the very top of everything he does, which means that he not only needs to pass this exam, in his eyes he needs to be at the TOP of the qualification list.

So what does this mean for us. Well, it means that Big Daddy needs to prepare, so he has immersed himself in his $300 worth of Captain's Reference books, and we pretty much sit around and wait for him to emerge and spend time with us. No Joke....

But we've been here before. When my husband got accepted to Paramedic school we were so excited. But this came with some sacrifice. His program was Full Time, which meant he would have to quite his job, I would have to pick up more shifts waiting tables, and we would be moving in with my mom and step-dad, sharing 1 bedroom with our then 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son. Yep a full size bed for us and a set of bunk beds for the kiddo's...not so cozy, but it was what it was, and it was the sacrifice we were willing to make to get him through school. We had our eyes on the prize.

I took it all. I knew he had to focus, so I took it all.

Any/all stress, problems, arguments with my mom, I swallowed them, because I couldn't let him loose his focus.

All the times I needed him to talk to or just be with, but he wasn't there because he was studying, I swallowed it.

In PM school you fail one exam, and you're out! But I had my eye on the prize.

A lot of marriages don't survive PM school. My hubby's good friend in his medic school class was one of those marriages that sir come to the stress and pressure of PM school. It's quite sad really. But for us, through the grace of God, our marriage grew stronger.

In fact that's how I got my #3 Paigie, she was my reward for getting him through PM school. He tried to get me to ask for diamond earrings or something, but nope, I wanted another baby! I'll share that story later!

So here we are, 7 years later. All of that hard work paid off. My husband has had an awesome fire career thus far. It's enabled me to be a stay-at-home-mom and be here for him and the kids. I feel so blessed. I am reaping the rewards of my patience with his absence for that year. I am living that prize I so intently had my eyes on.

So why is it I am having such a hard time with this?

It's like I'm angry every time he's studying. He's not home much, and now when he is home he's got his head in his stinkin' books! I feel like he's never here , even when he is physically here.

I know he's doing this for us. It'll mean a pay increase which makes our lives more comfortable. Plus just him proving to himself that if you put in the work all things are possible, and having made that accomplishment in his career would be such a blessing. I'm trying so hard to stay focused, to keep my eye on that new prize. Trying to be a super supportive Firewife. I am so very proud of him. He is my hero as he has moved the world for our family.

It's just this single-mom thing gets tough sometimes. That's how I feel sometimes, like a single-parent. Can anyone relate? Or am I just a big selfish idiot for wanting all my hubby's attention when he happens to be home?

Maybe I should take a page out of his book, and I need to get my focus on! I need to get focused on that new prize, and do what I did 7 years ago, and swallow it. Do what I gotta do to get it done here at home, and keep him focused so that he can kick butt on that test. Swallow my own needs for a couple of months. No great reward comes without sacrifice.

After all, it worked out then, so it should work now...right? Going it alone so he can focus is an aweful hard pill to swallow.... I'm gunna need a lot of water.

There's always a bridge to cross, just gotta take that first step.

Wordless Wednesday

Look What I Did!

I've always loved making cakes! I made this one for my girlfriend's little girl Emma's 3rd birthday. She loved it! Everyone else did too! I was quite proud of the way it came out.

I wasn't quite sure what to get Emma for her birthday so I had a last minute lightbulb moment and thought of just the thing. I had picked up a really cute pattern for children's aprons at Joanns last week and thought she'd love a Minnie inspired apron. She's always helping her mom in the kitchen and I thought this apron idea would be just too cute!

So I ran down to Joanns..again...and picked up some red with white polka dotted fabric, buttons and some ric rac and got to work! I think it came out kinda cute for my first one. I added the ribbon and button detail on the pocket last minute just to give it a little something extra!

Emma loved it, and I hope she'll enjoy wearing it while spending her special time with her mommy! Only one problem, Paige and Baily, Emma's big sister, flipped over the apron so it looks like I'll be heading to Joanns...again... to pick up some more fabric to put together two more !

Lookin Up!

Wordless Wednesday

Sew Much is Changing...

Things are always changing...I guess that's something that none of us can do anything about. Well some of it I guess we can, like my ever expanding and retracting waistline, but that another story all together.

Everything changes. Some changes are good, some changes are bad. But most changes are just hard.

Changing locations was a hard one. Moving from Southern California 200 miles North to Central California, that one was a toughie. Complicated by the fact that I was 5 months preggers with my midget and my baby boy was starting Kindergarten the day following the move. Again that's a whole other story. Although this change was hard..it turned out to be a huge blessing. What made this change okay was that my husband was finally after almost 10 years following the Fire Academy going to be working FT at a city department doing the job that he loves and has dreamed of doing since he was a boy. That kind of accomplishment for my Hubby was huge! Not only for him but for our entire family. The change of location was hard, but ended up being one of the best decisions we've ever made as a family, and as long as the 5 of us, well the 4 3/4 of us at the time, were together...well that was all that mattered.

Now we've been here almost 6 years, and if you did the math, the huge change that I'm struggling with is my Midget going to Kindergarten. She's so excited! Me...uh...not so much. My husband has afforded me the privilege of being home with my kids since we moved her to Tulare. So that little booger has been attached to my hip her entire life. She's kinda my partner in crime. She'll start Kinder in August which will leave me here, at home, alone. My husband works like 5 side jobs, okay I'm exaggerating but you get the point, so I am her alone...A LOT! I found myself obsessing on this fact and even counting down the days until she would be leaving me.

I know, self-torture.

For now I have come to realize I need to start embracing these changes. Well the biggest reason is because moping around all the time, and crying every time I think about it just wasn't working out that well for me or my family. I am excited for her and can't wait for her to have all those awesome adventures that are awaiting her at school, just sad she won't be here with me. I am hoping that a PT job at the school will come my way, so that I can keep occupied in the mornings, and still be Queen of the Volunteers at my kids' schools in the afternoon, and Super Mommy in the evenings.

So I decided for now I needed to get back to do something I love, a somewhat of a distraction. My sewing machine had broke about 5 years ago. Unfortunately I am one of those people whom find it extremely difficult to purchase big items, well really rather anything, for myself. So thankfully my mom got me a new Singer machine for Christmas. Well now it's April, and I've pulled Bessie out of her box and I'm ready to SEW!!!

I'm hoping that this will not only be an outlet for me to keep my mind of of you-know-who ditching me and going to Kindergarten, and in the mean time I can make some pretty things for the people that I love! I got a good start last night I threw together a dress for Paigie, well not exactly, I was up until 1am and was sewing while the kids were asleep because that way if the "F" bomb got thrown they weren't around to catch it LOL! It Didn't turn out too bad for the first thing that I've sewn in 5 years! She loves it so that's all that matters! Hopfully I'll be too busy sewing to think about the changes that are about to happen in August and I'm over the Gloomy Guss days. I'm sure their not gone entirely, after all I am human, but if/when those days come I feel blessed enough to say that I have a great support system to help get me through it, and who knows maybe this change will turn out to be a blessing too! (I said maybe lol)

Sew many things are changing, it's not easy to accept some of them, but I am going to make an effort to do just that, and not only accept those changes but embrace them and make the most of it!

Life is what you make of it....SEW let's just see what I make next!

Wordless Wednesday!

The Fruits...No....the VEGGIES of my labor!

Thought this was fitting for my Wordless Wednesday since this is what I was doing today. These are some of the veggies I planted a couple of weeks ago. When did I get to thinkin' I was a farmer. Not sure, but, I am praying for a boutiful harvest! I spent the day watering and unfortunately relocating some of these veggies to places they will get more sufficiant water and/or sunlight. Last year about all I planted and was able to grow were zuccini and some tomatoes. Apparently you can't mess those up. This year I went with the philosophy, "the more I plant, the better my chances that SOMETHING will grow"!
So here's to going organic, and living off the land!!!! Any prayers for my veggie garden are gladly accepted!

Grateful

Spring break is over, the kids are bummed. I'm not only bummed but exhausted...(but that's par for the course). I have to say I did manage to enjoy this Spring break. Along with a beautiful Easter dinner, that we got to enjoy with my husband and his crew since he got called in for OT, I got to go and visit my best Friend, she lives 200 miles away. It was so much fun and we all had a blast!

Being away from home always affects me. I can always tell when it's been a long time since I have visited her. I start to get bored and kinda lonely. Lonely for that "girl time" us girls need. I get kinda cranky and might I dare say a little depressed. This is not to say that I am not happy with where we are and our lives here in this new town we now call home, but sometimes you just miss your BF when she's that far away. So my husband "happily" sends me on my way because he knows how I will be when I get back....GRATEFUL!

You see he gets to leave our home for at least 48 hours every 4 days, if not more. Me...well as a SAHM, I kinda don't go much of anywhere accept for the gym, grocery store, and Target. (Targets my favorite!) Then my afternoons/evenings I am here, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking the kids to practice or dance class, homework....well you get the picture.

I really think I sometimes need to step outside my little cocoon, so that I can truely appreciate the blessings that God had bestowed on me, most of all my husband.

I have recently found a few fellow firewives through Twitter and/or Facebook. reading there blogs and posts has reminded me of that which I already know, my time with my husband is precious!

Being married to a firefighter is NOT easy...it's a blessing...but not easy. It took me a while before I could get that voice out of my head, "what if something happens...what if he gets hurt...what if he doesn't come home?". Attending a firefighter friend's funeral was one of the worse days of my life, and something I hope to never have to do again, although I know someday I will. I suppose that this could be true for anyone, but it is especially true for my husband. You see when bad stuff happens and everyone is running out, my husband is running in. And unfortunately for me, he's fast and like to be the first one in, you could say he's a bit of an adrenaline junkie (lucky me). I guess I knew this when I married him. Don't tell him, but that was my main reason I was excited when he got promoted to engineer, if his truck is first on a fire, he stays with the truck and doesn't go running into the burning building.

Most of the time I can turn off that little voice, I have to because it scares me. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. I think he knows when I have had a bad night, because I hug him so tight when he gets home I just about suffocate him. He doesn't know it, but sometimes I cry in the dark after we've "been together" because my heart aches at the thought of my life without him.

You see I consider myself extremely fortunate...I married my best friend. We laugh together like a million times a day, we finish each other's sentences, we know what the other is thinking even before they say it. I watch him with our children, and he is so kind, loving ,and funny. I see the pride in there eyes when they tell people , "my Daddy is a Firefighter!". But I also feel the pain when they ask, "when's daddy coming home?". I really don't think I could've picked a better dad for my babies. We still hold hands and are not ashamed of our PDAs (even though the kids think it's gross). We love each other so much, and aren't afraid to show it.

There is no me...without him.

So while I'm away, I am reminded of just how much this wonderful and brave man means to me. I am reminded just how poud of him I am for the job he does helping people EVERYDAY. I am reminded of how each day with him is precious. This reminds me not to sweat the small stuff. To bite my tongue when he leaves the peanut Butter jar on the counter...open, or leaves his dirty socks on the floor in the living room. Sometimes I love those socks on the living room floor...because that means he's here....and he's safe.

I am grateful for those other firewife bloggers. It's nice to have someone who can relate. I don't think that people understand that being a fire family is not only a sacrifice for the firefighter, but for his entire family as well. We don't just sacrifice our time with my husband, but we sacrifice that everytime he leaves out that door...he might not come back. My husband loves his job and we love him. It has afforded us to live a blessed life and to have many extended family members we might not otherwise had. His being a firefighter has been both a sacrifice and a blessing, and I really couldn't imagine him doing anything else.

I guess what I am trying to say is this.... Life is precious. Don't let your spouse leave in the morning without kissing him goodbye. Make the most of everyday. I guess Grandma was right when she told me we should never go to bed angry, and we always make sure to follow that rule. But most of all...no matter what always remain...GRATEFUL.

I do!